Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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