She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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