I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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