Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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