Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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