so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
