She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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