So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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