If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
