I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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