We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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