my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
