Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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