remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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