If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
