I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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