i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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