Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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