I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
