things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
jump out the window naked night went bad
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