real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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