For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need to sanitize my soul.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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