between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
