just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
