I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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