we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
