you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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