the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
