I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
