I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
