Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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