I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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