Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
