I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
