I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
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He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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