i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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