I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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