So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
