i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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