my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
