why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
