i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize