i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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