I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the day after is always just damage control
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.