Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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