When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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