I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
