so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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