i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
