Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
