the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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