You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
