no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My pussy is not your playground.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
