so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
