Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
