i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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