I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
