Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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