Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
