I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
