Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
