hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
