Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
