I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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